The Hick, banished from his western kingdom, roamed for many a day and night in search of a new lord. But only a lord with no scruples and questionable morals could surely take this cousin loving, sister marrying red belly from the West. Luckily he found one in the King. The Hick is a consistent high performer in the rotation and loves nothing more than putting down the pedal on the old V8 and causing some ole southern style pain. Of course it goes without saying he doesnt love it more than a family reunion.

The Hick has managed to collect more nicknames than anyone else in TKM.  Here's a partial list, since by the time I've finished typing, Smackie will have invented a few more:

The Woodchopper

The Lumberjack (he works all night and he sleeps all day...)

Bootylicious

Wobblywon (and many variations)

Beyonce

Hick Ricco (this was self given, therefore debatable as to its inclusion)

Good Stu - one of the Squawking Eagle's mates if I recall correctly - joined the kingdom in Winter 2008, the season marked by the Hick exploding on the GC ranking and the Convict taking a very convincing double win. Old Connie would have had a much easier time with it all, but for the addition of Good Stu and the Llama.

Dead keen into his MTB as well as active in the Melbourne Cave Diving scene, our Stu will be on the podium in no time.

hheeeee hhhaawww! hheee hhhaaawww! I thought the Camel was going to be a godsend for the Jester, as here was somebody with a humour threshold so low he has even been known to actually laugh at an episode of The Cosby Show. Tighter than a ducks ass.

As of the writing, the Llama is the newest member of the Kingdom. And a welcome addition he has proved to be. Sure he's a great rider, but almost more importantly, he's an actual rocket scientist (having once worked for Boeing designing missiles or something along those lines). Why is it important that TKM have a rocket scientist? Well, TKM email traffic is dominated by neanderthals with no concept of spelling which is frustrating. But the Llama is no such cretin. And that is why, my friends, he is the most important addition to TKM since the Dragon and before him the Eagle. Squawk!!

The Goat (Greatest of All Time) is an original member of the round table and another true legend of the Kings Men. Head fell off after the near death experience that was the Baw Baw Classic of 2007 but he is coming back and random sightings of “The Bob” have been reported. In full flight, the Goat is a pleasure to observe. Picture if you can, a lean majestic Goat-like physique, travelling at the front of a strung out group, with head bobbing furiously in time with similarly pulsing legs and you have an image of perfection. Developing a killer set of man cans as we speak.

Has been the object of the Kings clandestine affections for many moons.

A true legend of the Kings Men. An absolute beast of a man who on his day can rip new ones for all and sundry. That said every great man has his weaknesses and the Greyhound has numerous. Loath be me to mention those. So I will just have to loath myself. He can’t gamble for shit. He rides the Kings Men on a participation bike with horns. He runs like an electrocuted epileptic amputee. Still a bloody legend though.

Possibly in a de facto relationship with the Dragon. He lost the first ever TKM footy league to both the Eagle and the Hick despite the former never actually changing his team and the latter being the Hick.

Our Doma is another purveyor of pain, liking nothing more than to suffer like a dog in between workouts in his “Big gay Al boat of love” he codenames “rowing”. He is like a migratory bird, dragging his suitcase of pleasure toys and the Gimp down to Beach Rd at the start of every autumn and bids us adieu once again as the summer season comes back. But let it be noticed that this man commits himself to riding during the shittiest season of the year. Never one to back down he has the Greyhound by a leash. It is embarrassing the way the Doma toys with the dishlicker sometimes. Still funny though.

Is a major player in the bank of the Fisherman which seems to be an investment that pays off even in times of tight credit. Might lead to the eviction of the Fisherman, but we'll have to see.

Every group has a good looking mate. The one who scores the "hot chix" while his mates take the bulldog. I could almost be envious but really, this man is the total package. A pair of cans that puts Manpower to shame, calves sculptured from mahogany, a smile that lights up Port Phillip Bay on a winter morning that is our Model. But don't think he is all brawn, he is one of those sly sprinters as well. Bloody good at it too. He and the Eagle should hate each over but they don't. Bit of a shame because every group needs a good rivalry. Is reportedly hydrophobic. That means in layman terms he is fucking soft.

He might root the Hick's sister, which could make the Hick angry. Actually, it would probably make the Hick jealous.

Look look! It's the Spy.  Where?  I don't see him.

That's right, because the Spy has crossed the line.  TKM's resident meltdown sprinter knows when to go and is more than happy to lead himself out.  Like clockwork, the Spy attacks somewhere on the stretch around Brighton Yacht Club and like clockwork the Spy is brought back.  Poor bloke.

The Spy currently manages TKM's plan to undermine TFM (for having an acronym that is alarmingly similar, as well as having the same colour jersey).  He reports that the plan is going well and Doma will be positioned to install the Hick as manager in the next few months.  Or at the very least he'll convince the shop to stay open past 5PM so I can stop by on my way home from work.  Seriously.

What can be said about the Moonwalker, so named because he tends to go backwards when the road tilts uphill?

Like Norman, he is deep down rare.

Ah The Cougar, what can be said really. Rides a lovely Cervelo that is signed by someone, rides it quietly with great stealth. While not quite up to the Blade's attack off the back standard, Cougs rides until he's about 10m past his limit at which point it's safe to say that he'll be moving backwards off the back of the train. Actually, I don't know if that's at all true since I haven't ridden with him more than about 5 times. Still, I'm writing and you're reading, so we'll just say it's true.

Funny thing about the Spook. She's actual the only Knight who can ride. Sure the Sherpa once poked his nose out of his yurt before deciding it was too cold in the real world. Maybe the Dishlicker will win a masters title at some point. But the Spook has been there before having raced in Europe. Occasionally rocks up to ride wearing her Australia kit. She's also one of just a handful of chicks ever to win a B grade men's race down at CCCC. Fantastic!